Mistaken Identities

I thought that by the time these things started happening, the circumstances would be different to what they are at this point.

I always knew she would grow up and leave at some point, obviously, but I didn’t expect it to be yet, or under these circumstances. I didn’t expect it to feel so shitty, that’s for sure, or for her tunnel vision to be quite as narrow as it appears. I didn’t expect her to stay out most nights at another family home with a boyfriend I’ve never met. I didn’t expect her leaving and changing to feel like someone ripped my heart out, or like she has entirely denounced me.

This is not about self-pity. Well, maybe the act of writing about it here is, but everything behind it has nothing little to do with it.

We all have hopes and wishes for our children. We want them to have better lives, or similar lives to our own. People compare her to me and my life at her age and I dismiss the comparison. I refuse it. The circumstances that surrounded me are entirely different to those that surround her. Yes, I had a child at her age. Yes, I had a home at her age. Yes, I had a job at her age but that means nothing. It doesn’t mean that as long as what she does doesn’t fall below the level I was at at a certain age, then anything above it is ok. I want better for her. She should want better for her. I don’t want her struggling or missing out on anything. I want her to love her life, to be able to experience things and places, to feel free, to stay young and vibrant because she has avoided a hard life. I want her stable and secure in an unstable world. Stability, comfort, and peace has to be strived for, for most of us anyway. The possibility for experiences comes from funding those experiences.

I am not saying that there are set things that she should have, save for a good job and a nice home. I don’t think she would be failing if she didn’t marry and have children, for example. I think she should have tattoos and piercings, and crazy hair if she wants it. I do want her to see beautiful places, and to do brave things. I want her to be successful – but then, i know we all measure success differently.

I guess I just wanted a good life for her, that’s all. A free and safe life and a strong and prosperous place in the world.

But here’s where I think I went wrong. Well, one of the ways in which I went very wrong…

I made her feel like she was my biggest mistake.

I wasn’t hard about anything else other than boys, sex, and education. My greatest fear for her was that she would sacrifice experience and the chance of education, freedom and stability by making the same mistakes I did. I would tell her that I wanted a better life for her than I had, that I wanted more for her than I had. What I didn’t realise, while I was trying to steer her in the right direction, was that I was deeming her my mistake – the biggest mistake a person could make, the biggest mistake that I had made.

That is, the mistake that caused me to miss out on education, travelling, a social life, a career, financial stability. One that prevented my own success. One that hindered me at every potential avenue to the extent that my life, the one that she was at the centre of and was the priority of, was insufferable.

I didn’t mean to do that.
That isn’t the message I meant to give her.

I meant to empower her, not make her feel worthless. I wanted a good life for her, not to make her feel like she made my life bad.

The only things she had ever defied me over are boys and education. The presence of too much of the former, and not enough of the latter, we’re all I was focused on. She didn’t ever do anything else wrong that made me a mad parent, not really. Those are the areas of her life where she has found her right to assert herself in immediate defiance to the lines I etched; those that were my greatest fears for her.

I never meant to make her feel like she was the greatest mistake I made. She was probably, looking back as I often do, one of the best decisions I ever made. Maybe one day she’ll realise that she has brought me the greatest amount of happiness. It’s always been me and her. She has been my priority since I was a child myself, my best company, and loveliest friend and now, she misunderstands so deeply that the gap between us feels wider each day.

I did not mean for that to happen.

A Mixed Bag

A woman comes into a coffee shop…

She is greeted by the door by a tall, male barista. She is greeted again at the till by another who asks what she would like. The barista at the grills is asked if they have any teacakes. This one doesn’t know, so she says she’ll check. Another barista finishes wiping the back bar and turns and apologises to the woman, they are all out of teacakes.

The woman orders a flat white, and salted caramel muffin. She seems a little grumpy at the lack of teacake, but appeased by her server’s assurance that the caramel muffins are amazing.

Another barista enters the bar carrying a tray of clean crockery, smiles at the woman who is in the middle of paying, and moves around the bar with intent, efficiently putting things away then, looking at the till, gets to work, extracting a 3-shot, while the previously apologetic one is texturing milk. The one at the grill swipes up tongs and a plate and selects a muffin and places it on the tray that the serving barista has plated up.

The woman watches as her drink is made, professionally, and with care and hope that this one will be a good ‘un.  Flat whites are serious business in the barista world.

The woman thanks the barista, takes her tray, is careful not to disrupt the latte art on her drink, and makes a beeline for a window seat, away from the group of mothers and their babies that are discussing their mother-in-laws. She doesn’t give the 5 people that have just served her another thought, and not unusually so. She is a satisfied customer so far, and why would she give anymore thought? She was a served customer, the trade took place; that is that.

I’m not saying she should give another thought but in this one visit she encountered 5 members of a team of 10, that’s half of what makes the shop possible.

Here’s what she doesn’t know or realise..

The team are incredible young people.

The one that made her milk is beautifully loyal. He is tired though as he has had only 4 hours sleep. This is because he has a second unpaid job, a sister that he takes to school, a mum that he has been looking after following an operation, and a long-term girlfriend that finds it hard to share him him other commitments. He makes music at this other job that keeps him working through the night. He mixes, produces, creates. He has an ear for it and a dream that he is chasing and supporting by making coffee. He is very funny, softly spoken, and pretty damn patient. He makes the rest of the team laugh a lot with funny voices and accents. He is 20 tomorrow. He is dependable, thoroughly decent, responsible, and he can eat 4 toasties in one sitting.

The girl that served the woman is on a personal mission. For her, it’s all about growth and development. She has a sweet and innocent but crisp and feminine sounding voice. She is just beginning to feel confident and comfortable as a member of the team. She has shown a slowly emerging sassiness that has taken everyone by surprised. She feels pressure from various directions, to be certain things and to act certain ways and be there for those that should be setting her free. She is unbelievably capable but hasn’t quite realised her potential yet, she doesn’t know exactly who she is yet but she’s almost there. She’s getting ready to leave home and go to uni. And my god is her mind sharp. When this girl finds her feet and the direction that feels right, she will be an almighty force to be reckoned with. She is meticulous, logical, and couldn’t be anymore of a help.

The one that smiled a Cheshire – cat smile, and let out a loud and friendly greeting to the woman, wants his own coffee shop. He is a hopeless romantic that recently proposed to his girlfriend. He is a toyboy, but a besotted one that is ferociously loyal. He is a season ticket holder for his favourite footy team, which sits just under his fiance when it comes to his priorities. This fiance is a rival coffee shop store manager. He lacks confidence sometimes in his abilities, and is often easily distracted but his customer service is second to none. He is hilarious, has the weakest filter but gets away with saying so much. Strong women scare him but he is energetic and cheeky. He is 20 and learning to think ahead so as to avoid pissing off strong women. He deeply cares what others think if him, he can dance incredibly for such a tall person… and has a sense of humour that forces its recipients to tears.

The girl at the grills is just 17 and she is really tired; her busy brain just won’t turn off at night. It’s full of determination, history, politics, and calm, mature enthusiasm for her future. She never raises her voice and swears she has never really lost her temper. She is placid and so kind natured to all those around her. It has been known that she can almost fit a whole chocolate twist pastry in her mouth, when dared. She is the kind of girl that jumps to help immediately with no hints or requests required. Her interests are varied, she wants to enter the big bad world of politics and has fallen in love with her chosen uni. She is reliable, has a high – pitched laugh that is infectious. She isn’t scared of a challenge and filled her time admirably. For example, she is the kind of girl that will do a 3 hour shift before sixth – form because she knows her manager is tired, and then she comes back to close the store. Her work ethic is incredible. She is crucial but tired out; overloaded with pressure from every angle, mostly herself. But what customers don’t see if her working alongside her best friend – both girls self-less in their considerations for each other. Others may see just a fluid interaction of 2 team members but the team see two best friends, mostly rota-ed together, finding that work feels less like work when you work with friends.

The girl that came with the tray is also 17 and has hair that her manager is jealous of! She too is calm, but by no means sluggish. She sings as she works; sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly when the store is closed and she’s mopping the floor. When she sings as she works she probably doesn’t realise how much her team listens to her. She’s brave on stage but sometimes shy and she too, is chasing her dreams. By day she is learning how to best use her talent and at weekends and after college, she if found with her team, being attacked in Guard spray play-fights, and five minute gossip sessions on the sofas. Her cooler skills are awesome, and she always has a smile even when she’s sad. She hates to let people down, worries a little too much, and keeps sad things private. She too is crucial, perceptive, utterly reliable, with a work ethic to be admired. There is no doubt she will succeed, is the best friend of the girl at the grills and together, as with most of the rest of the team, they work seamlessly.

This little team in a reasonably sized shop in a small and odd town is full of dreams and ambition. There is creativeness, talent, and drive. There are really young people with direction and purpose and all of that is present in the store, in the service, and channelled into the products they produce through the processes they are taught. The processes that, much like education, present a clear path from A to B. That if you do this, you will achieve this. They all must understand this as they are all doing A in order to reach B. They are all forging identity and growing in confidence day by day. They are learning patience, efficiency, quick thinking, planning, responsiveness to people, reading those people and learning so much about themselves as they go.

It’s awesome to see and be a part of. These are exciting, dynamic, and talented people that are finding their own way. There is passion and commitment, vivacity and ideas.. and all of this behind a flat white – the drink that baristas strive to perfect, the most difficult to get down, with its various processes. Yet they will practice over and over, they will be hard on themselves over it, feel frustrated at the journey from A to B in this particular process. The same elements apply: instructions, passion, practice, and success.

The lady with the flat white doesn’t see any of this. And why would she?  She is just reasonably happy with her drink, the price, the service. She’s forgotten about the lack of teacakes, that didn’t get ordered because the tall guy was a bundle of nerves the day before he proposed to his fiance.. she only briefly contemplates returning to the counter to say that her coffee could do with being a little hotter, because the barista was so careful as to not burn the milk. She can’t see the essay that is being mentally planned by the girl at the grills who’s dream won’t turn to reality unless she gets an almighty AAB combination. She can’t hear the singing of the shy girl with the tray as she rehearses for a performance with a knotted tummy but a beaming smile. She doesn’t know that the phrase ‘two ships passing in the night’ is being scrutinised by the girl that took her money.

There’s no way she could know, and no reason she should…

But these people, in this place, sharing this time, are not just about ‘coffee and pastry’ as a barista/scientist once asserted. All of the above made that flat white with so much more to it, and in it, than the woman that drinks it could possibly perceive.

Literature, done.

So in two days time, it will be graduation. I will be dragging my kids along to something that they don’t want to go to, I will be taking along a friend in the hope that the ceremony will encourage her to take the plunge and realise she should go, I will be meeting my aunt and uncle in Winchester, and probably falling up the steps of Winchester cathedral in a catastrophic fashion. I have visions of this. It will probably happen.. I have accepted this. Things like this happen. Like the time I stood up in a full lecture hall in year 1. Everyone was settling down, I stood up to wave at a friend that had come in late. It didn’t occur to me that the seat would retract and that I couldn’t sit back down on it unless I pulled it back down first. And like the time I snorted whilst trying to suppress laughter from the not so inconspicuous back row, also because of the same friend, and also year 1. I should have known she was trouble back then.

Anyway, the point is, I will probably fall. My aunt will probably cry. My son will probably be naughty and inappropriate and my daughter will probably sit there with an expression that screams that she wishes she was anywhere else in the world but there.

I wasn’t going to go. The only reason I am going is because of the trouble – maker friend. I have to finish this chapter with her.

It’s kind of like my lack of need for a grave to visit, or my lack of desire for an elaborate wedding, or even a wedding at all. I don’t see much point in ceremony. I mean, I understand what these mean to others, but I don’t need that to mark the moment, I don’t that kind of process to take stock of the the achievement, I don’t want fleeting and obligatory recognition through traditional and pointless ceremony, I don’t need the piece of paper that reduces the whole experience.

And I really, really don’t want my picture taken.

And I really don’t want to consider that my parents aren’t there. Those that have been better than my parents will be there, and that is enough, and for their presence I am grateful. It’s just that the occasion marks the lack, their deaths (literal and figurative), and all that comes with it – much like a wedding would, I suppose.

I also don’t want to see the experience closed and finalised. I don’t like the idea that my involvement with literature is done. The thought of it being over has haunted me since long before it was over. I no longer have a reason to read, other than the desire that I have always had but now that desire is superceded by other priorities, other things that have to be done. Obligations. Things that I can no longer ignore because I HAVE to meet a deadline, or I HAVE to read this. I am no longer submerged in what I love. I am no longer growing in the way that makes me happy. I no longer get to think and evolve with someone I love. I can no longer do what I am pretty damn good at. My circumstances and the obligations that go along with them will not allow it. There is no space for personal growth in the direction that I would like by the method I am good at. I can no logger justify my submersion.

These do not feel like things to celebrate, or mark by a ceremony. It has been hard enough to let go of what made me happy, what validated me to myself, and adjusting to the absence of my frirnd as it is without a definitive finalising marker screams ‘it’s over’.

I do realise the pessimism here. If I could change the way my brain works so that I didn’t think or feel this way, or other bleak ways, so that I could feel positive and excited about graduation, would I? I’m not sure that I would. I’m not going to buy into what I should think or feel just because that’s what’s expected. That’s not my reality. I can’t lie to myself about how I feel – I have tried, it doesn’t work. And here we arrive back at the fact that I don’t really want to go. I am going for two reasons only. One is  out of respect for a friendship and journey that began four years ago, in autumnal Winchester, that has evolved into so much more. And the other, is for the sake of those coming. It will probably be the only graduation my auntie gets to attend, and it might do some good for my children to see that hard work is recognised… even if it is through pointless ceremony.

So in two days time, I will be collecting a piece of paper that means nothing, and everything, all at once. It’s a piece of paper that I want to simultaneously burn and frame. A sheet that represents a journey that I wish had never happened so that i could start it all over again. It signifies something I always wanted to do and now, it’s over. What I love doing and what i do passionately is inaccessible to me, there is no career to be had in literary criticism for me. Now I must simply make enough money to support my home and family – that is now all there is to do.

The space I allowed for myself to fall further in love with thinking, writing, and reading is no longer there.

and i am supposed to celebrate that that’s that, literature, done? I don’t think so.

The Rose

In an overgrown garden stands a vibrant and proud remnant of the past. He exists in the present but his strong roots trail deep down to all his yesterdays.

The season has shifted and soon the dark winter will come, but for now the inevitable is denied. With a straightened stem and blooming head he stares defiant in the face of his fate. It will not be long before he joins the others; before his prettiest parts loosen and retire to the damp bed below where their colour will drain before shrivelling to a pulp and returning to mingle with the earth. He knows his destiny, every year he suffers the same life-sapping process but this year is different. A different weakness has arrived, a dismal foreboding that makes each moment feel like forever.

From his prime position he is able to survey the entire grounds in all their chaos. To his right, the barely visible driveway that once boasted an abundance of expensive black gravel lined with jagged, chunky flints whose jet black guts glistened in the sunlight, now held only the slightest definition. The driveway, leading to the black wrought iron gates mottled with rust which separated the property from the bumpy lane, was blanketed in the natural debris of six lonely years punctuated by stiff weeds growing up and up; aiming for the heavens.

To his left, he could only just spy quick glimpses of the weathered bricks laid by the rough hands of the gentlest man as the breeze ushered the high grasses back and forth. The circular creation was once a triumph; an achievement the man was proud of and which he immediately filled with rich earth and flowers of many colours and kinds. Beyond this, he remembered, was a short cobbled path that declined gradually to the deep pond where, once upon a happy time, fish swam and children dared each other to cross the bridge. If he could see above the tips of the blades and across to the back of the garden, he would see that the pond was no longer as he remembered. The thick trunk of the toppled tree still lay faithfully across the diameter of the boggy pond, forming a slippery bridge of rotting bark that lay surrounded by lengthy reeds.

Behind his bed stands the decrepit shed whose timber, now greyed from the harsh elements, is cracked, swollen and riddled with insects. Its lock has long since succumbed to corrosion; releasing the door to the rhythmic mercy of the wind. Many creatures have made it their home through the years despite the shattered window and the banging, creaking of the swinging door. Nests have come and gone, many a web has coated the walls and winter months snoozed through where once the rough hands of the gentlest man tinkered with the tools of his retirement.
Directly ahead, stands the big house in all its glorious dishevelment. Sadly, he can only see the upper floor if he summons all the strength he can muster to tilt his heavy head back to gaze up. The wild grass has grown so high that the house seems smaller. Nature has invaded wherever it can extend itself to become the dominant master of this manor. The roof remains in a decent state save for the odd few tiles that have crashed to the pathway during the last storm. The pebbledash that coated the top half of the house, once painted in a fresh but soft cream, was now scuffed and chipped; eroded by weather and struck by the excrement of many a passing bird. The rotting window frames, that once housed panes of perfect glass now blemished with cracks and chips, or smashed entirely.

He remembered that during the happy summers, when the blue skies stretched over the acres and above the trees, when the neat garden was loved by all who entered it, the uplifting laughter of children would echo as they splashed in the shimmering water of the paddling pool or swung on their swing, carefree and innocent, with the floral scented breeze in their hair.
These were the times when the woman would come. As soon as his first bud emerged, she came intuitively, sensing its arrival.  Her delicate fingers would caress the green tightness that would soon be ready to burst from its confines into vibrant colour. With her kind eyes she would gaze with adoration at him; celebrating his return into her family’s sanctuary, and smile with patient anticipation at the prospect of how beautiful he would become. He was her pride and joy; her most established and faithful friend who always returned to grace her garden.  Of course, he was always delighted to see her. When the season set in he would look for her and wait to be discovered. He never had to wait long. Sometimes, when she returned home from work in the late afternoon smartly dressed in a skirt-suit and blouse, she would bypass the front door to her home, kick off her black high-heels and walk slowly, with dainty steps around the garden, oozing an air of peace and contentment; appreciating the life she had nurtured. But the best times were when she dedicated herself to tending her babies for it was then that she would speak softly, or transmit the melodic hum of a nursery rhyme as if soothing a child.
When it was his turn he would listen attentively to her satin voice as it trailed seamlessly from one subject to another. She thought out loud, but did so at barely a whisper. She confided in him; speaking of her family, her plans, her loves, and loses. She asked him questions that he could not answer, although sometimes she paused as if expecting some impossible response. She would never know that he felt her tenderness or that he sometimes saw her tears. She would never know that he had loved her.
The rose bloomed and watched his family every summer. He felt at home; secure and delighted to belong to the love created within the place he heard named as Mill Lodge. He observed with willingness the playful dogs, crawling babies turn into walking babies, the toddlers turn into awkward children with missing teeth and scraped knees, and the melancholic teenagers evolve into young women. He saw progression all around him in the healthy growth of his own kind and in that of the humans.
One summer the whistling man did not come into the garden and the buds of the rose were not noticed at all. The woman came sometimes but she did not stroll around the garden to admire the life there.  She just stood rigid on the patio with arms folded tight to her chest. Her vacant eyes, laced with teardrops, stared blankly at the alien landscape before her. The rose was at first mildly disgruntled; then his resentment at being so harshly neglected turned to desperation. One September evening, as the sun made its descent he cried out in utter despair ‘Why does she not come? Does she not love us anymore? I need to be tended to!’

At hearing his outrage the entire garden mumbled and grumbled in agreement. For them, the summer had been lonely. No children came to swing on the swing or chase each other with the hose, no tea and biscuits were served in the delicate cups and saucers with the golden trim. The dogs came but they did not frolic; they made their mess and padded mournfully away. The garden changed forever that year; suffocated by silence for no laughter could be heard. An invisible cloud positioned its static self above the house and refused to depart; bearing down on the soul of the fragile woman and casting a shadow of grief that penetrated an eerie chill through every part of what existed there.

Autumn crept in sneakily tarnishing the garden with his rustic tones of mild yellow, muddy brown and burnt orange. Leaves whipped past the rose to land elsewhere in the grounds but others fell on him and around him, gathering helplessly in his bed.

Eventually the woman came to him and brutally snipped his last, almost-dead-head clean off. He yearned to hear her voice but she gave him no words just a blank expression that spoke silent volumes, for she had aged and withered in her grief; seeming smaller, slimmer and more fragile than he had remembered. The rose was mortified when the woman took his severed head and tossed to the back of the bed. She had shunned him, neglected him – stopped loving him, and simply turned her back, with a bowed head and heavy heart, she walked away. The rose knew well that the time had come for him to enter his slumberous months. He would now drown deep in dormant sleep until the time came when he would once again sprout shoots, gain strength and height, bear bulbous buds and flourish in the sunlight. Declaring a humble farewell to the rest of the garden and directing a woeful glance to the house where the woman lived, he slipped away; sadly, into his rightful dormancy.
When the next spring arrived the rose emerged a little late from his cyclic slumber to the gaggle and booming of an irate chorus. It took him a while to become fully aware of the activity around him. The stoic oak, who resided at the far left of the garden near to where the teddy bear’s picnics were always held, appeared to be chairing a meeting of some sort. The rose strained to listen. The garden fell silent.
‘Good. Now that everyone is with us I shall begin. As most of you have all heard by now, thanks to the daffodil’s first-hand account of events which occurred before most of you arrived back, it appears that we have been abandoned. The daffodil saw many boxes and items of furniture taken from the house and put into a large vehicle and no one has seen the woman since. As you will observe the garden furniture has also been removed.’
The rose froze in shock while the voices of those around him started up again.
‘ORRRDDERRRR, I say!’ bellowed the oak.
The garden resumed its attentive silence.
‘My friends, this is the state of affairs: yes, the woman has left and yes, some of you will suffer without her care more than others but we remain here – this is our garden, our home, and we must continue on. Surely, another person will come to the house to live in it, to tend us and perhaps the new humans may even have children! Imagine that! So leaves and heads up one and all! Keep the faith!’

An empty cheer rose up from the crowd. They were not consoled but felt it polite to respond to the oak’s good intentions. At first the growing life became depressed, they so longed for the graceful women, the whistling man and the happy children but when they could not resist their natural urges anymore; succumbing to their fated growth, they disarmed each other with their extraordinary displays of rich colours and luxurious scents. And so the garden befell a lonely yet hopeful season.

The rose for one hoped every day that the woman would return. He kept his deep seated feelings of abandonment to himself and withdrew from most interactions with his own kind; he took to mumbling to himself, gazing desperately at the big empty house, and when the dusk came to disguise him in its darkened veil, he set his teardrops free.

The springs and summers came and passed in the same vein; lonely months battled on. The garden grew and became uglier and uglier; wild, with no trace of humanity to distinguish it. The rose never recovered from his loss. Each year, when he returned reluctantly from dormancy, the sight he beheld became more grotesque for there was no order, no peaceful design, no refinement – just the weeds and grasses which grew with such ferocity; intimidating, crass and towering above him.

One particular year, four wretched years since the woman left and took the love from the garden, the rose was ready to admit defeat. He no longer wanted to feel his pains and as the final red petals fell from his head he knew he would not return again; weaker this year, neglected and dying.

On an nippy late September afternoon the garden was startled from the brink of its autumnal retreat to the sound of an engine, slammed car doors and excited voices. As they moved around the property, first into the house, around the side and then, only slightly into the garden for, the shrubs, trees and flowers all held their breath; channeling all the life that was left in them to hear.
A woman’s voice was heard in the distance near to the south side of the house.
‘…..take it all out. I want it all out. Strip it back and we’ll start from scratch with it, yes? How can I do anything with this as it is? It would be impossible!’
‘Right you are’ came a pompous sounding tone, ‘and what would you like me to arrange for the pond? And I presume you require that the garage, shed, playhouse and pet gravestones be removed also? We’d best not venture into that jungle, it may be unsafe.’
‘Get rid of it all. Just get the contractors arranged OK? We’ll have the demolition guys in first to tear this shell down in case any of the tree roots make the structure unstable, then we’ll tackle the garden before the re-build starts.’
‘Yes Madam, excellent plan!’ Exclaimed the grovelling man.
Then the voices vacated and the garden cried out; sobbing in waves of despair.

That night the wind banged the shed door harder and louder than ever before, the windows – those lucky enough to still hold remnants of their panes – released them, crying them to the ground while all about the garden the haunting wails of those preparing for death were heard. The rose understood that his roots would be ripped from the earth, severed from their damp dark home and cast aside to perish, along with those of his friends but he did not cry along with them. He turned inward to his dormant domain to avoid the imminent destruction of all he has ever known and loved, and with that he slipped from life.

A few days later, the woman returned in heavy boots and thick gloves with a dog at her heel. Only the trees – still awake and twitching their branches in silent dread – could see her movements as she started from the French doors of the house and stepped with apprehension into the wilderness of the garden, using her arms to part a way through and fight off the vicious brambles. The new woman pushed through with determination for some minutes then halted; surprised by the brick formation before her. Although weeds and grasses grew in and all around it the circular base was only just visible through erratic mossy gatherings. Stepping onto the base she parted back the greenery to find a perfectly round and lovingly crafted man-made flowerbed standing roughly 2 feet tall and, she guessed, 3 metre in diameter. How original, she thought. The stalks and blades were permitted to spring back as she released them and moved on. The dog, faithful at her side, pawed with caution before taking his steps.

Eventually the woman arrived at the very back of the right side of the garden. She entered a woodland area, so shrouded from light that only tiny speckles of sky were visible through the canopy orange leaved branches of the ancient trees. She crouched down, breathing in the woody dampness of her tranquil surrounding with her back against the great oak who    sighed gently at the long awaited touch of a human. The dog snuffled about the area, led by his moist black nose to two small grey slabs, off-balance and wonky in the earth. He barked and gained his owner’s attention, who rising to investigate, softened her expression. These must be the pet graves the agent was talking about, and the names are engraved, she thought. ‘Joe, and Babs’ she whispered to herself. The perky jack Russell shuffled about then positioned himself to a sit in front of the headstones, defiantly. The woman smiled, ‘Come on boy, let’s see what else we can find!’

The dog did not move until his owner had ventured along the perimeter, passed the sloped rockery guarded by the strange little stone man with yellow moss on his brow and come to a standstill at the reed-ridden pond. A vile smell caused by abundant algae and rotting wood of the tree-bridge, rose violently in her nostrils. She moved cautiously around the edge of the pond, parting greenery in preparation for each squelching step. She tracked the garden’s perimeter once again, pushing and heaving as she went. She arrived at the decaying playhouse complete with a little plastic table and chairs set of a faded red, then the shed. She peeped through the smashed window to find nothing but branches and foliage then as she made her way beyond it, treading down brambles and moving aside weeds taker than herself, her arm struck something solid as it motioned to part the foliage. Her gloved hands found the object and traced its shape up and over her head; then moving down she felt a cold chain that led to a wooden seat. She realised what it was: a child’s swing! She felt her way around the frame, moved to the other side of it and realised that she had fallen in love with the garden.

The great oak had watched her every move with a keen and suspicious eye. At first he had not understood the purpose of her visit for she was alone with no men to dig up the garden but once she had rested against his barked and aged trunk, and he had watched her hard irritated expression soften at the sight of the dogs resting place, he saw a tranquillity wash over her; a sad but light peacefulness that allowed her to begin to feel the spirit of the garden.
It was not long before the woman had reached the back of the garage; its walls, constructed by the rough hands of the gentlest man were beautifully snaked in ivy. She extended her gloved hand to the wall, sweeping it along, feeling each veiny extension stuck to its surface as if building up a protective layer to hold it fast and keep it from harm. She hummed a tune she did not know; low, and soft, drifting off into a daydream and then, silenced and grounded, she saw it.

Today I made coffee

 

 

Blah blah blah coffee blah blah blah single bean…

I don’t actually mean ‘blah’. I do care. In fact, I care too much. I care about the beans, and the day dots, and whether or not the bloody thermometers are calibrated properly. But, really? All these tiny things that are slowly slurping the life out of me. I forget why I wanted to be there in the first place. I forget the personal mission, and instead of feeding off of it as I intended, I allow it to feed on me. Forget espresso extractions, we’re talking soul extractions here. And that’s not what I came for…

So here’s the deal..

I love the store. I don’t love the smelly ex-heroin addicts that sometimes dribble and slur incoherently at me, or the coughing woman that smells like death that I want to tell to leave and never come back because I can’t stand the sight or thought of their sad, capped, painful and miserably addicted existence.

I don’t love the smarmy types that genuinely think they are presenting their obviously stupid barista with the most complex of challenges when they order the quirkiest drink combination they can possibly muster. I kid you not, they chuckle to themselves as they give their order and roll their eyes at their friends as if to say…

‘I know, I’m so complicated and wonderful, and such an exquisitely complex and therefore, interesting person. I’m so difficult but you know what? Being difficult is my perogative, and I’m sure as hell going to embrace that right!’

I don’t love that in these instances I repeat the order back as though they had just simply asked for tea for one. My obvious (and purposeful) refusal to be blown away by their complicated order irritates them. They look genuinely disgruntled that I have not reaffirmed their personal complexity.

‘Haha, I’m sorry, I’m so difficult!’

Lady, you have no idea. Your drink is not difficult. It’s easy. It may have taken you near on a millenia to get it out while you are holding up a queue with your self-congratulatory giggles to your friend and speaking so slowly to me, as if I am either a) a child or b) stupid, however, what is difficult, is the reality of how painfully transparent you are.

I don’t love counting ketchup sachets. In fact, counting anything gives me the hump. I hate that whilst counting ketchup sachets, the barely audible counting becomes increasingly aggressive as I contemplate my first class degree.

Or removing a sanitary towel from the sink in the bathroom. I could get on of my staff to remove this – but that’s never going to happen, I won’t ask. I won’t ask them to do something so demeaning.. They will then think as I do. I want them empowered, not saturated to the point of drowning, by the roles they take under my watch. I want them happy and productive in their work, not thinking…

Fuck. This.
I’m better than this.
I’m wasted here.

Like I do.

But, in rare moments of clarity, I remember. I remember why I’m there.

When the extracting of my soul, self-worth, energy, and patience ceases for long enough, I remember that this is a place full of people and full of stories. It is a place where people make plans, where decisions are made, where relationships are forged and severed, where realisations are met, and progress is made over cups and glasses of self – professed simplicity or complexity.

I remember that I wanted to be amongst this. That I wanted to observe and absorb the stories of everyday people. I wanted to eaves – drop on the snippets of life that reverberate around the room amid the grinding and blending. I wanted to learn who? Why? What for? How did they come to this? Where are they going? I wanted habits and reality.

I wanted people.
I wanted stories.

Before, behind, beyond, and blind

 

I often wonder what it would be like to return to the house that had contained us all for those sordid and slowly passing years. I wonder what my mind would do if I came to directly face what had once been my prison. Often, when I think of it, I consider the conifer trees. In truth, those trees, are the first thing that springs to my mind; accompanied by an initial image of the exterior of the house from a certain angle. Always initially the same angle. But its always those trees.

Perhaps they hold such significance because they grew as I did, alongside me, on the outside. I remember them at a few different stages, but the variations are spread over time that cannot be accurately gauged or entirely trusted. Tiny saplings standing to attention like weak inexperienced infantry; on basic training, deployed to their fated service; committed but not yet sure of what they have been strategically deployed to defend, not yet knowing their purpose and ignorant to the politics that bubble away underneath the surface of their service.

They were so scrawny. so short and feeble; innocent and fresh. Perfectly aligned along the perimeter, the majority of them in 2 rows, one shorter than the other, linked by those that arced around the curve of green to make more pronounced the shape of the hellish corner plot on which the semi-detached stood. I wonder how strong they are now, and whether they know their purpose. I wonder how tall they stand and whether the man of the house enjoys neatening them, takes pride in the neatness of their formation, whether he considers them as a line of defence for his family or whether he allows them to become wayward until his wife’s nagging becomes too incessant to bear and so he spends the best part of a day snipping and chopping in the sunlight while contemplating the miseries of his life. I wonder if  their purpose has changed from what it once was; whether they now serve to keep the outside world out, or to keep the secrets inside the brick hidden. I wonder if they have been murdered, if they no longer served a purpose, and so, were wrenched from life to know only death and dryness.

I remember how odd they appeared when they were first planted against the backdrop of a well-established and giant patriarchal conifer that took pride of place in the middle of the front garden, shielding the lounge window from the outside world of the cul-de-sac. It stood like a promise, a foreshadowing of their fate: that once bound to the earth there is a sense of the inescapable, some doomed inevitability that the weak will become strong, one way or another, and that any growth is bound by servitude from the conditions chosen for us by others.

I often tell myself that I will return to the house, that I will face it head on as though it were a living, breathing enemy. My reasonable mind sometimes kicks in: it isn’t the house, or the conifers. They aren’t to blame. They cannot be. Yet among the confusion of symbols, and layers of possible meaning that makes all of this exactly what it is, those trees, and that house, are all there is left. There is no paper. There is no man, or woman. Just me, and that house, whose walls formed my prison, doubly guarded by those trees, know the whole truth. Only myself and them remain. We are the residue. The remnants of the aftermath. Those that continue to serve and keep secrets.

A few months ago, whist sitting in a coffee shop, I sprang to my feet, closed my laptop, and set off to see the trees.

The drive was excruciating. I did not know if they would greet me. I did not know if they still lived. I hoped, despite all that they represent, that they would still be there. I wanted them to hide the house from me. I realised, as I drove through winding country roads, that I was relying on them to protect me from the house. They once served a purpose to keep passing eyes from looking past the plot’s perimeter and into the secret space dominated by the depravity beyond the glass of the wide bay window. Now, I hoped that the purpose they once served for another’s desires would serve to protect me. I turned the corner into the cul-de-sac to find myself sufficiently greeted, but unprotected.

Death’s Kiss

I hide in the shadows.

Watching.

Waiting.

I, in my ethereal form, am crouched and cramped; peeking over the floral duvet that bedraggles the bed. The house is empty. Her room: both her prison and hiding place, is the room she has chosen to die in; shrouded in an inky blackness – a comforting darkness – just as she likes it. The wall opposite the bed supports the defeated frame of the girl who, during these long hours, has shed a torrent of tears.

She does not know I see her folded there with the pink jingly-jangly elephant, faded and aged, sandwiched between her chest and thighs. She does not know that I hear the breath bursting in fits from her body as she sobs or that I know that she has remained in the same position for 6 hours. She thinks no one sees or hears her but I do. I see her pale drawn face and her blonde dishevelled hair revealing white knuckles that belong to hands that clench it in fistfuls.  Her mother and stepfather cannot see her. They currently dine on shellfish at a reputable restaurant, talking idly of their fraudulent lives but secretly wishing they were elsewhere. While many miles away, her brother sips a pint of ignorant bliss in the company of friends, far from the hell he calls home.

I want to grab her but I cannot. There are rules.
And those who break the rules pay the consequences. I have learned that lesson.

So I, uncontrollably mimicking her, am folded as she is and all I can do now is watch and wait. My watching provides no detachment. Watching means to live and breathe; though I have no life or breath inside of me. I am integrated into the secret agonies of the final moments of my charge; witnessing every erratic thought that spins through her haunted mind. I feel what she feels while, unknowingly, she manipulates my invisible form to mirror her actions.
It is she who has summoned me.

The flashbacks come.
I see the time she watches her mother leaving the driveway. At the window she stands, praying her mother will change her mind. Her muscles tense. Her throat tightens. Her eyes tingle with the sting of raw tears. She is clutching something fluffy and pink that I recognise: the thing that always absorbs her teardrops. She wants to bang on the window and scream for help. She hears footsteps and turns to seek out the source.
The man is there.

Perhaps I should steal her? I want to spare her from this painful review.
Oh, but I must wait!

A new memory comes. I see her sitting alone at a dining table. She hums along to a song that plays only in her head. She is told to shut up. She does as she is told and finishes her homework in silence.
She packs her books away and rises from the table, pushing her chair underneath. Wooden legs screech on ceramic tiles. The base of the milk bottle slams into the back of her head. Down she goes.
Darkness overpowers her vision
The man sips his tea.

She takes me to the summer she turned 7. She has been out riding her bike. She comes home to discover her mother is working an evening shift at the local pub, keeping her blind eye busy. The daddy long-legs are dancing clumsily yet menacingly across the garden path. She makes a run for it, through their lax formation, to the door. She enters; quiet as a mouse but I, and I alone, hear her prayers for invisibility.
The man waits.

Patience, I tell myself. Patience.

I see her asleep. Cosy in her bed. Skinny arms form a tight cage around her favourite thing: the pink jingly-jangly eared elephant she has had since she was 2 weeks old. His stitched-on, big, bright blue eye is eternally open, currently just centimetres from her face; looking at everything. Seeing nothing. The radio plays low. The room is covered wall to ceiling in posters of posing pop stars. So many faces. So many eyes. None that can see. She dreams of being a dancer while her mother dreams an unknowable dream just down the hall. A floorboard creaks.
She stirs as the stuffed toy is prised slowly out of its cage.
With a drowsy reluctance, she opens her eyes.
The man is there.
Together, we shift again, to another time and place.
She is racing through the house, through the kitchen, under the arch and left up the murky green stairs. Step after step, she inclines. Gasping; grappling for purchase on the bannister. I hear her heart thumping in her chest – faster than her footfalls – to the soundtrack of frantic jingling bells. A hand grabs at the swinging tail of the elephant but she yanks at the substantial portion of polyester already in her hold. I see the tail rip from its base as the main body is freed. A hungry hand finds her scrawny ankle and pulls her down to the bottom step then carries her up.
The man has her.

Next, in a bedroom with one whole wall covered in sliding, mirrored panels.
She is surveying the scene of a previous crime, looking for an elephant’s tail.
On her hands and knees she checks under the unmade bed and there, in the dusty space, hides a wooden box. I beg her not to open it but she cannot hear me. I remember that this is her memory and my begging now, just as it was then, is useless.
She retrieves the box, sits cross-legged on the flecked carpet and opens the lid.

I watch signs of confusion spread over her face as she takes in the contents.
Newspaper clippings, yellowed and folded neatly, guarded by her elephant’s bodiless tail. Frowning, she snatches it out. She was about to close the lid but curiosity seized her. Once open in her shaking hands her eyes flicker over the faded black print; skim, skim, skimming over the words

Draper. Aged 9.  Missing.

And underneath, a photograph. A pretty young murdered girl. Smiling widely with gaps in her teeth.

The slamming of a car door startles her away from the page. I see him walk briskly down the pathway towards the house. I beg and plead her to put the box back. She cannot hear me. I scream at her. I cannot help myself. The man is coming.

But instead of doing as I pointlessly insist she moves her gaze to a second page. I fill with dread as I see the man grope into the depths of his pocket to locate his keys.
She hears the key in the door. Moving fast she stuffs the papers back into their wooden enclosure and shoves it back under the bed. She grabs the tail and nimbly flees the room on tip-toes, trying to remember the emboldened words that will not make sense to her for years to come.
The man is home.

I rock back and forth, manically, as she does. I hold an invisible elephant and she holds the only comfort she has known for 14 years. I feel her weaken, her chest rise and fall, her heart slow to a beat that signals that soon it will end and all the while I hear her cries punctuated with shrill screams. Desperate, dying moans. Images flash and flicker. Voices tune in and out. Echoes from the depths of the past. So fast. Little snippets. Fragments of a life.
I almost resign to break the rules but then it’s too late. We are hurtling again, together, deeper into the crevices of her sub-conscious. Pillows. Scissors. White rope and teddy bears. I smell whisky, tobacco, engine grease and lemon cake; strong, sweet and putrid all at once. I hear Buddy Holly, the sound of chewing, and whispering in the dark.

We are thrust into an imageless void where only sounds can be heard. A cacophony rises up; louder and louder. I can hear them, all of them talking over each other but not to each other. We raise our hands to pound our palms into our ears, over and over, to make the noise stop. Our rocking becomes clumsy. Gradually, they drop out one by one by one until, only one chillingly morose voice remains; seeming to seep from in the darkness. In this shared space of memory where only she and I reside, it speaks: ‘You were the reason I married your mother.’

We scream out a terrified sound that comes from the deepest depths of our despair as pain shoots through our chests like fatal arrows shot into our hearts.

And then, silence.
Only silence.

An eerie stillness seizes the room. We are too weak, too sleepy, to react to the stabbing pain; dazed and drifting slowly apart.
She has released me.

She is nearly there. It will soon be over.
She moves only her eyes to the carpet beside her, to the brown bottle that lies empty and lid-less on its side. The back of her head is heavy against the wall barely supported by a limp, thin neck and a spine that is ready to flop. I see her fingers twitch to touch the matted fibres of the pink elephant with the jingly-jangly ear. Their tips move slightly as they stroke their farewell to a faithful friend.

I have lurked in these shadows many times – longed to take her – to free her from her hell but it was destined to be the man’s hand that took her life. That is what is etched in stone on the tablet of her fate. Yet, she beats him to it. She cheats the design and in doing so she prevents a duplication of the event in 1964. She will leave on her own tragic terms, not his.

For as long as she could recall she had yearned, fiercely, to climb out from her own skin. It has constantly itched and prickled at her from inside as if irritant nettle leaves and spikey thistles were growing in its layers. She knew what she must do before he did it. Tonight, empowered by the thought of freedom, she will leave him. She will leave all of them to become peaceful and mine.

She is ready.

I prepare to go to her when I see her arms drop limp to her sides, landing with a quiet thud, palms up. She blinks once, twice, and again. Her torso slides gently sideways, to the right, along the wall that has supported her for all this time. The elephant slides reluctantly from her lap to the floor with a sad and solitary jingle.
Her shoulder passes over the skirting board then meets the carpet. I see her head loll and come to rest, finally, softly, on the floor of her bedroom next to a familiar pink trunk.

Now it is time.

I dart across the room in one breezeless swoop to where she lay; serene and numbed.
I stand in her fading vision. She blinks slowly, heavily – just once; using the last drop of life left in her to focus on me. She can see me now. I know she belongs more to my world now than to hers.

I lean to her and hope that, if any dwindling consciousness remains with her, she will not fear me. ‘It is time’ I say as I place my mouth to her lips. I think the thought I am required to think and in only seconds my work is complete, my kiss has taken her last breath and ceased her failing heart.

Her wide eyes have fixed firm.  The beautiful blue of her irises are eclipsed by the blackened pools of her pupils and up from the beautiful yet ruined form, crumpled and defeated before me, rises a pure and perfect essence.

She gives me her weightless hand then glances back, not in sorrow at the empty human shell or in regret for the life she is leaving behind but in gratitude, at the tailless pink elephant with the jingly-jangly ear. She turns back to me then smiles a smile so almost divine.

I have given my kiss,
and now she is mine.

 

A Window of Opportunity

 

There is some magical freedom here. Some prospect of some wild thing lurking deliciously on the periphery. Amid the constant rainfall, the dancing candlelight, and the wind; slow droning air then. With no warning, a frenzy. Something burns in the peace of this moment. The curtain billows in response, and cool damp air forces itself under them to cover me. I can feel a subtle spritz where thin and delicate spray is carried in with it.

These past months have brought many a night like this and it amazes me every time how I love this lonely time of night. Although lonely, it is a comfort and is certainly not quiet. It seems like the weather and I are the only forces alive in the street. We are witness to each other; exposed and raw, and showing our hands. It is like we share a time and space, tapped into the moment. Despite the crisp coolness of my cotton sheets and the fact that the window has been open all day in mid-January, I am not cold. I am never cold on these nights but instead I am invigorated by a liveliness to the wild and private peace of the night.

And silence…

The rain stops for the first time in hours. The wind drops, and the curtains settle straight, back into line. I pray the calm is temporary. I pray that the flame will dance again, and that the hairs on my arms will rise to meet the night air once again. The steady drips falling from the gutter brings an unwelcome tedium. Its regularity in the quiet is disturbing; its predictability, stifling. The room feels heavy, and I feel suffocated in the small space of waiting for the next, and the next… a beat that signals that the storm is over, that everything outside will settle down in recovery, that that the wild but welcome moment is over. Eventually the beat will slow, the memory of the freedom of the previous chaos will fade away, and the loneliness creeps in.

But wait… it begins, again. I am pleased…

It returns to drown out the monotony of that boring drip. The wind builds, lashing rain falls in sheets, then twists; blown into disorder before recovering a steady direction, if only for a short time on the already soaked street. That whipping wind: its energy invading the room with such passion and disregard, billowing under the curtain to find my skin. The flame of the candle tries over and over to abide to its natural way; proud and straight, steady and upward but it cannot, the natural way of another thing will not allow it.

The liveliness of this time, on these stormy nights, when one should feel so utterly alone, when the rest of the street sleeps, and one should feel afraid of forces greater than oneself, of their unpredictability that forces a humbling perspective, a strange comfort. Closing the window is never an option on these nights. A freedom in the recognition of powerlessness comes with the reminding presence; a relieving sensation that there is a wildness to life forcing our fluctuations, refusing to allow us to exist being straight and steady. These times reveal the vigorousness behind the mundanity. The window must be open.

Long Ago…

I can’t say how or why it has come to this, or even how I have come to this. I’m not sure if the void, or the thing that I think is the void, has come from the outside in to fill me up, or if, slowly, everything inside has just trickled away, over time; away, and out of me. I don’t know which way it went, or if something came and took it. I feel like I will never know, and, I suppose, it doesn’t really matter.

 

It’s like I am watching myself from somewhere outside but still somehow attached, by some link that’s fraying and taut, about to snap. It’s like somewhere inside there is a part that holds onto a sense of crisp clarity. That part observes the strained link vividly and watches on while another part, the largest part, the part that is covered and suffocating in the mist. Part living. Part dying. Looking over the slowly deadening part while I watch it die.

 

I don’t know how else to describe it aside from that way. I can’t think of a clearer way to tell it to you.

 

Time is shooting by. Months pass; days mingle in, one to the empty next. It’s all undefined. Spiralling. Happening without me being a part of them. I am happening without being part of myself, like I’m not a part of myself, or in myself; moving further and further away from what I recognise. I don’t think my grip could be called a grip any longer. My hand is there, in the right position, reaching out and grasping as one would expect for one wanting to hold onto their life, and themselves. But it’s just there, looking like there should be something just out of its range, but it can’t quite be seen. It holds nothing. It reaches to nothing but craves for an object, and idea, some truth. No matter how much I grab, the flexing and straining amounts to nothing. I cannot reach the life that’s drifting away.

 

This is useless. Every metaphor I draw for doesn’t cover it. They just don’t fit. Perhaps a combination would suffice but there is no use in me delivering one after the other in an attempt to make you understand what I cannot understand myself. I’m not even sure where I am going with this, but I know it is somewhere. It has to be somewhere. I have to be going somewhere, right? Aren’t we all? Even if we can’t see where that place is, even if we have no control over how we get there, or when we arrive.

The New Cage

When he let me go, he didn’t set me free. He set himself free so that he wouldn’t have his freedom taken from him. He died inside walls of metal and glass, not within the concrete box that he deserved. He chose his way out to reach his freedom and disregarded me as he made his planned exit route his own reality. I often wish he had taken me with him but I know he couldn’t have done that.

 

I was the by-product.

The leftovers after a feast.

The residue.

 

He built for me, instead, a cage. Its construction took years of careful crafting and, gradually, it formed well – sturdy and strong. He prepared it for me. It laid in wait for the day that I would inhabit it; for the day he would send me to it.

 

Of course, he hid it from me. I hadn’t seen it until the day that I came to be trapped in it. It jarred me because, for a fraction of the most peaceful of moments, I thought I was free. You would have thought I was used to being shut away, but that brief moment, and the intricacies of that new cage, with its complex locks, and ever-changing structure, was a different kind of cage. A pretty hell of his design, except this time, I was alone, and he was free.