The Memory Man

I stand

at the gate that squeaks

when it moves to meet

the rest of itself.

A viscous collision occurs

as metal meets metal and

flakes of rust are disturbed

in the force of the thrust.

I wait in the wind for the

memory man to find his wings

and bring the broken

songs he sings for us.

I recall last spring when

the squeaking gate squeaked

and my waiting ceased,

when I rushed to greet you,

I moved to meet you;

the rest of myself.

As he sings to the beat

of the squeak,

and the thrust

of metal on metal,

the flaking rust,

I think of us.

Mistaken Identities

I thought that by the time these things started happening, the circumstances would be different to what they are at this point.

I always knew she would grow up and leave at some point, obviously, but I didn’t expect it to be yet, or under these circumstances. I didn’t expect it to feel so shitty, that’s for sure, or for her tunnel vision to be quite as narrow as it appears. I didn’t expect her to stay out most nights at another family home with a boyfriend I’ve never met. I didn’t expect her leaving and changing to feel like someone ripped my heart out, or like she has entirely denounced me.

This is not about self-pity. Well, maybe the act of writing about it here is, but everything behind it has nothing little to do with it.

We all have hopes and wishes for our children. We want them to have better lives, or similar lives to our own. People compare her to me and my life at her age and I dismiss the comparison. I refuse it. The circumstances that surrounded me are entirely different to those that surround her. Yes, I had a child at her age. Yes, I had a home at her age. Yes, I had a job at her age but that means nothing. It doesn’t mean that as long as what she does doesn’t fall below the level I was at at a certain age, then anything above it is ok. I want better for her. She should want better for her. I don’t want her struggling or missing out on anything. I want her to love her life, to be able to experience things and places, to feel free, to stay young and vibrant because she has avoided a hard life. I want her stable and secure in an unstable world. Stability, comfort, and peace has to be strived for, for most of us anyway. The possibility for experiences comes from funding those experiences.

I am not saying that there are set things that she should have, save for a good job and a nice home. I don’t think she would be failing if she didn’t marry and have children, for example. I think she should have tattoos and piercings, and crazy hair if she wants it. I do want her to see beautiful places, and to do brave things. I want her to be successful – but then, i know we all measure success differently.

I guess I just wanted a good life for her, that’s all. A free and safe life and a strong and prosperous place in the world.

But here’s where I think I went wrong. Well, one of the ways in which I went very wrong…

I made her feel like she was my biggest mistake.

I wasn’t hard about anything else other than boys, sex, and education. My greatest fear for her was that she would sacrifice experience and the chance of education, freedom and stability by making the same mistakes I did. I would tell her that I wanted a better life for her than I had, that I wanted more for her than I had. What I didn’t realise, while I was trying to steer her in the right direction, was that I was deeming her my mistake – the biggest mistake a person could make, the biggest mistake that I had made.

That is, the mistake that caused me to miss out on education, travelling, a social life, a career, financial stability. One that prevented my own success. One that hindered me at every potential avenue to the extent that my life, the one that she was at the centre of and was the priority of, was insufferable.

I didn’t mean to do that.
That isn’t the message I meant to give her.

I meant to empower her, not make her feel worthless. I wanted a good life for her, not to make her feel like she made my life bad.

The only things she had ever defied me over are boys and education. The presence of too much of the former, and not enough of the latter, we’re all I was focused on. She didn’t ever do anything else wrong that made me a mad parent, not really. Those are the areas of her life where she has found her right to assert herself in immediate defiance to the lines I etched; those that were my greatest fears for her.

I never meant to make her feel like she was the greatest mistake I made. She was probably, looking back as I often do, one of the best decisions I ever made. Maybe one day she’ll realise that she has brought me the greatest amount of happiness. It’s always been me and her. She has been my priority since I was a child myself, my best company, and loveliest friend and now, she misunderstands so deeply that the gap between us feels wider each day.

I did not mean for that to happen.

A Mixed Bag

A woman comes into a coffee shop…

She is greeted by the door by a tall, male barista. She is greeted again at the till by another who asks what she would like. The barista at the grills is asked if they have any teacakes. This one doesn’t know, so she says she’ll check. Another barista finishes wiping the back bar and turns and apologises to the woman, they are all out of teacakes.

The woman orders a flat white, and salted caramel muffin. She seems a little grumpy at the lack of teacake, but appeased by her server’s assurance that the caramel muffins are amazing.

Another barista enters the bar carrying a tray of clean crockery, smiles at the woman who is in the middle of paying, and moves around the bar with intent, efficiently putting things away then, looking at the till, gets to work, extracting a 3-shot, while the previously apologetic one is texturing milk. The one at the grill swipes up tongs and a plate and selects a muffin and places it on the tray that the serving barista has plated up.

The woman watches as her drink is made, professionally, and with care and hope that this one will be a good ‘un.  Flat whites are serious business in the barista world.

The woman thanks the barista, takes her tray, is careful not to disrupt the latte art on her drink, and makes a beeline for a window seat, away from the group of mothers and their babies that are discussing their mother-in-laws. She doesn’t give the 5 people that have just served her another thought, and not unusually so. She is a satisfied customer so far, and why would she give anymore thought? She was a served customer, the trade took place; that is that.

I’m not saying she should give another thought but in this one visit she encountered 5 members of a team of 10, that’s half of what makes the shop possible.

Here’s what she doesn’t know or realise..

The team are incredible young people.

The one that made her milk is beautifully loyal. He is tired though as he has had only 4 hours sleep. This is because he has a second unpaid job, a sister that he takes to school, a mum that he has been looking after following an operation, and a long-term girlfriend that finds it hard to share him him other commitments. He makes music at this other job that keeps him working through the night. He mixes, produces, creates. He has an ear for it and a dream that he is chasing and supporting by making coffee. He is very funny, softly spoken, and pretty damn patient. He makes the rest of the team laugh a lot with funny voices and accents. He is 20 tomorrow. He is dependable, thoroughly decent, responsible, and he can eat 4 toasties in one sitting.

The girl that served the woman is on a personal mission. For her, it’s all about growth and development. She has a sweet and innocent but crisp and feminine sounding voice. She is just beginning to feel confident and comfortable as a member of the team. She has shown a slowly emerging sassiness that has taken everyone by surprised. She feels pressure from various directions, to be certain things and to act certain ways and be there for those that should be setting her free. She is unbelievably capable but hasn’t quite realised her potential yet, she doesn’t know exactly who she is yet but she’s almost there. She’s getting ready to leave home and go to uni. And my god is her mind sharp. When this girl finds her feet and the direction that feels right, she will be an almighty force to be reckoned with. She is meticulous, logical, and couldn’t be anymore of a help.

The one that smiled a Cheshire – cat smile, and let out a loud and friendly greeting to the woman, wants his own coffee shop. He is a hopeless romantic that recently proposed to his girlfriend. He is a toyboy, but a besotted one that is ferociously loyal. He is a season ticket holder for his favourite footy team, which sits just under his fiance when it comes to his priorities. This fiance is a rival coffee shop store manager. He lacks confidence sometimes in his abilities, and is often easily distracted but his customer service is second to none. He is hilarious, has the weakest filter but gets away with saying so much. Strong women scare him but he is energetic and cheeky. He is 20 and learning to think ahead so as to avoid pissing off strong women. He deeply cares what others think if him, he can dance incredibly for such a tall person… and has a sense of humour that forces its recipients to tears.

The girl at the grills is just 17 and she is really tired; her busy brain just won’t turn off at night. It’s full of determination, history, politics, and calm, mature enthusiasm for her future. She never raises her voice and swears she has never really lost her temper. She is placid and so kind natured to all those around her. It has been known that she can almost fit a whole chocolate twist pastry in her mouth, when dared. She is the kind of girl that jumps to help immediately with no hints or requests required. Her interests are varied, she wants to enter the big bad world of politics and has fallen in love with her chosen uni. She is reliable, has a high – pitched laugh that is infectious. She isn’t scared of a challenge and filled her time admirably. For example, she is the kind of girl that will do a 3 hour shift before sixth – form because she knows her manager is tired, and then she comes back to close the store. Her work ethic is incredible. She is crucial but tired out; overloaded with pressure from every angle, mostly herself. But what customers don’t see if her working alongside her best friend – both girls self-less in their considerations for each other. Others may see just a fluid interaction of 2 team members but the team see two best friends, mostly rota-ed together, finding that work feels less like work when you work with friends.

The girl that came with the tray is also 17 and has hair that her manager is jealous of! She too is calm, but by no means sluggish. She sings as she works; sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly when the store is closed and she’s mopping the floor. When she sings as she works she probably doesn’t realise how much her team listens to her. She’s brave on stage but sometimes shy and she too, is chasing her dreams. By day she is learning how to best use her talent and at weekends and after college, she if found with her team, being attacked in Guard spray play-fights, and five minute gossip sessions on the sofas. Her cooler skills are awesome, and she always has a smile even when she’s sad. She hates to let people down, worries a little too much, and keeps sad things private. She too is crucial, perceptive, utterly reliable, with a work ethic to be admired. There is no doubt she will succeed, is the best friend of the girl at the grills and together, as with most of the rest of the team, they work seamlessly.

This little team in a reasonably sized shop in a small and odd town is full of dreams and ambition. There is creativeness, talent, and drive. There are really young people with direction and purpose and all of that is present in the store, in the service, and channelled into the products they produce through the processes they are taught. The processes that, much like education, present a clear path from A to B. That if you do this, you will achieve this. They all must understand this as they are all doing A in order to reach B. They are all forging identity and growing in confidence day by day. They are learning patience, efficiency, quick thinking, planning, responsiveness to people, reading those people and learning so much about themselves as they go.

It’s awesome to see and be a part of. These are exciting, dynamic, and talented people that are finding their own way. There is passion and commitment, vivacity and ideas.. and all of this behind a flat white – the drink that baristas strive to perfect, the most difficult to get down, with its various processes. Yet they will practice over and over, they will be hard on themselves over it, feel frustrated at the journey from A to B in this particular process. The same elements apply: instructions, passion, practice, and success.

The lady with the flat white doesn’t see any of this. And why would she?  She is just reasonably happy with her drink, the price, the service. She’s forgotten about the lack of teacakes, that didn’t get ordered because the tall guy was a bundle of nerves the day before he proposed to his fiance.. she only briefly contemplates returning to the counter to say that her coffee could do with being a little hotter, because the barista was so careful as to not burn the milk. She can’t see the essay that is being mentally planned by the girl at the grills who’s dream won’t turn to reality unless she gets an almighty AAB combination. She can’t hear the singing of the shy girl with the tray as she rehearses for a performance with a knotted tummy but a beaming smile. She doesn’t know that the phrase ‘two ships passing in the night’ is being scrutinised by the girl that took her money.

There’s no way she could know, and no reason she should…

But these people, in this place, sharing this time, are not just about ‘coffee and pastry’ as a barista/scientist once asserted. All of the above made that flat white with so much more to it, and in it, than the woman that drinks it could possibly perceive.

The Rose

In an overgrown garden stands a vibrant and proud remnant of the past. He exists in the present but his strong roots trail deep down to all his yesterdays.

The season has shifted and soon the dark winter will come, but for now the inevitable is denied. With a straightened stem and blooming head he stares defiant in the face of his fate. It will not be long before he joins the others; before his prettiest parts loosen and retire to the damp bed below where their colour will drain before shrivelling to a pulp and returning to mingle with the earth. He knows his destiny, every year he suffers the same life-sapping process but this year is different. A different weakness has arrived, a dismal foreboding that makes each moment feel like forever.

From his prime position he is able to survey the entire grounds in all their chaos. To his right, the barely visible driveway that once boasted an abundance of expensive black gravel lined with jagged, chunky flints whose jet black guts glistened in the sunlight, now held only the slightest definition. The driveway, leading to the black wrought iron gates mottled with rust which separated the property from the bumpy lane, was blanketed in the natural debris of six lonely years punctuated by stiff weeds growing up and up; aiming for the heavens.

To his left, he could only just spy quick glimpses of the weathered bricks laid by the rough hands of the gentlest man as the breeze ushered the high grasses back and forth. The circular creation was once a triumph; an achievement the man was proud of and which he immediately filled with rich earth and flowers of many colours and kinds. Beyond this, he remembered, was a short cobbled path that declined gradually to the deep pond where, once upon a happy time, fish swam and children dared each other to cross the bridge. If he could see above the tips of the blades and across to the back of the garden, he would see that the pond was no longer as he remembered. The thick trunk of the toppled tree still lay faithfully across the diameter of the boggy pond, forming a slippery bridge of rotting bark that lay surrounded by lengthy reeds.

Behind his bed stands the decrepit shed whose timber, now greyed from the harsh elements, is cracked, swollen and riddled with insects. Its lock has long since succumbed to corrosion; releasing the door to the rhythmic mercy of the wind. Many creatures have made it their home through the years despite the shattered window and the banging, creaking of the swinging door. Nests have come and gone, many a web has coated the walls and winter months snoozed through where once the rough hands of the gentlest man tinkered with the tools of his retirement.
Directly ahead, stands the big house in all its glorious dishevelment. Sadly, he can only see the upper floor if he summons all the strength he can muster to tilt his heavy head back to gaze up. The wild grass has grown so high that the house seems smaller. Nature has invaded wherever it can extend itself to become the dominant master of this manor. The roof remains in a decent state save for the odd few tiles that have crashed to the pathway during the last storm. The pebbledash that coated the top half of the house, once painted in a fresh but soft cream, was now scuffed and chipped; eroded by weather and struck by the excrement of many a passing bird. The rotting window frames, that once housed panes of perfect glass now blemished with cracks and chips, or smashed entirely.

He remembered that during the happy summers, when the blue skies stretched over the acres and above the trees, when the neat garden was loved by all who entered it, the uplifting laughter of children would echo as they splashed in the shimmering water of the paddling pool or swung on their swing, carefree and innocent, with the floral scented breeze in their hair.
These were the times when the woman would come. As soon as his first bud emerged, she came intuitively, sensing its arrival.  Her delicate fingers would caress the green tightness that would soon be ready to burst from its confines into vibrant colour. With her kind eyes she would gaze with adoration at him; celebrating his return into her family’s sanctuary, and smile with patient anticipation at the prospect of how beautiful he would become. He was her pride and joy; her most established and faithful friend who always returned to grace her garden.  Of course, he was always delighted to see her. When the season set in he would look for her and wait to be discovered. He never had to wait long. Sometimes, when she returned home from work in the late afternoon smartly dressed in a skirt-suit and blouse, she would bypass the front door to her home, kick off her black high-heels and walk slowly, with dainty steps around the garden, oozing an air of peace and contentment; appreciating the life she had nurtured. But the best times were when she dedicated herself to tending her babies for it was then that she would speak softly, or transmit the melodic hum of a nursery rhyme as if soothing a child.
When it was his turn he would listen attentively to her satin voice as it trailed seamlessly from one subject to another. She thought out loud, but did so at barely a whisper. She confided in him; speaking of her family, her plans, her loves, and loses. She asked him questions that he could not answer, although sometimes she paused as if expecting some impossible response. She would never know that he felt her tenderness or that he sometimes saw her tears. She would never know that he had loved her.
The rose bloomed and watched his family every summer. He felt at home; secure and delighted to belong to the love created within the place he heard named as Mill Lodge. He observed with willingness the playful dogs, crawling babies turn into walking babies, the toddlers turn into awkward children with missing teeth and scraped knees, and the melancholic teenagers evolve into young women. He saw progression all around him in the healthy growth of his own kind and in that of the humans.
One summer the whistling man did not come into the garden and the buds of the rose were not noticed at all. The woman came sometimes but she did not stroll around the garden to admire the life there.  She just stood rigid on the patio with arms folded tight to her chest. Her vacant eyes, laced with teardrops, stared blankly at the alien landscape before her. The rose was at first mildly disgruntled; then his resentment at being so harshly neglected turned to desperation. One September evening, as the sun made its descent he cried out in utter despair ‘Why does she not come? Does she not love us anymore? I need to be tended to!’

At hearing his outrage the entire garden mumbled and grumbled in agreement. For them, the summer had been lonely. No children came to swing on the swing or chase each other with the hose, no tea and biscuits were served in the delicate cups and saucers with the golden trim. The dogs came but they did not frolic; they made their mess and padded mournfully away. The garden changed forever that year; suffocated by silence for no laughter could be heard. An invisible cloud positioned its static self above the house and refused to depart; bearing down on the soul of the fragile woman and casting a shadow of grief that penetrated an eerie chill through every part of what existed there.

Autumn crept in sneakily tarnishing the garden with his rustic tones of mild yellow, muddy brown and burnt orange. Leaves whipped past the rose to land elsewhere in the grounds but others fell on him and around him, gathering helplessly in his bed.

Eventually the woman came to him and brutally snipped his last, almost-dead-head clean off. He yearned to hear her voice but she gave him no words just a blank expression that spoke silent volumes, for she had aged and withered in her grief; seeming smaller, slimmer and more fragile than he had remembered. The rose was mortified when the woman took his severed head and tossed to the back of the bed. She had shunned him, neglected him – stopped loving him, and simply turned her back, with a bowed head and heavy heart, she walked away. The rose knew well that the time had come for him to enter his slumberous months. He would now drown deep in dormant sleep until the time came when he would once again sprout shoots, gain strength and height, bear bulbous buds and flourish in the sunlight. Declaring a humble farewell to the rest of the garden and directing a woeful glance to the house where the woman lived, he slipped away; sadly, into his rightful dormancy.
When the next spring arrived the rose emerged a little late from his cyclic slumber to the gaggle and booming of an irate chorus. It took him a while to become fully aware of the activity around him. The stoic oak, who resided at the far left of the garden near to where the teddy bear’s picnics were always held, appeared to be chairing a meeting of some sort. The rose strained to listen. The garden fell silent.
‘Good. Now that everyone is with us I shall begin. As most of you have all heard by now, thanks to the daffodil’s first-hand account of events which occurred before most of you arrived back, it appears that we have been abandoned. The daffodil saw many boxes and items of furniture taken from the house and put into a large vehicle and no one has seen the woman since. As you will observe the garden furniture has also been removed.’
The rose froze in shock while the voices of those around him started up again.
‘ORRRDDERRRR, I say!’ bellowed the oak.
The garden resumed its attentive silence.
‘My friends, this is the state of affairs: yes, the woman has left and yes, some of you will suffer without her care more than others but we remain here – this is our garden, our home, and we must continue on. Surely, another person will come to the house to live in it, to tend us and perhaps the new humans may even have children! Imagine that! So leaves and heads up one and all! Keep the faith!’

An empty cheer rose up from the crowd. They were not consoled but felt it polite to respond to the oak’s good intentions. At first the growing life became depressed, they so longed for the graceful women, the whistling man and the happy children but when they could not resist their natural urges anymore; succumbing to their fated growth, they disarmed each other with their extraordinary displays of rich colours and luxurious scents. And so the garden befell a lonely yet hopeful season.

The rose for one hoped every day that the woman would return. He kept his deep seated feelings of abandonment to himself and withdrew from most interactions with his own kind; he took to mumbling to himself, gazing desperately at the big empty house, and when the dusk came to disguise him in its darkened veil, he set his teardrops free.

The springs and summers came and passed in the same vein; lonely months battled on. The garden grew and became uglier and uglier; wild, with no trace of humanity to distinguish it. The rose never recovered from his loss. Each year, when he returned reluctantly from dormancy, the sight he beheld became more grotesque for there was no order, no peaceful design, no refinement – just the weeds and grasses which grew with such ferocity; intimidating, crass and towering above him.

One particular year, four wretched years since the woman left and took the love from the garden, the rose was ready to admit defeat. He no longer wanted to feel his pains and as the final red petals fell from his head he knew he would not return again; weaker this year, neglected and dying.

On an nippy late September afternoon the garden was startled from the brink of its autumnal retreat to the sound of an engine, slammed car doors and excited voices. As they moved around the property, first into the house, around the side and then, only slightly into the garden for, the shrubs, trees and flowers all held their breath; channeling all the life that was left in them to hear.
A woman’s voice was heard in the distance near to the south side of the house.
‘…..take it all out. I want it all out. Strip it back and we’ll start from scratch with it, yes? How can I do anything with this as it is? It would be impossible!’
‘Right you are’ came a pompous sounding tone, ‘and what would you like me to arrange for the pond? And I presume you require that the garage, shed, playhouse and pet gravestones be removed also? We’d best not venture into that jungle, it may be unsafe.’
‘Get rid of it all. Just get the contractors arranged OK? We’ll have the demolition guys in first to tear this shell down in case any of the tree roots make the structure unstable, then we’ll tackle the garden before the re-build starts.’
‘Yes Madam, excellent plan!’ Exclaimed the grovelling man.
Then the voices vacated and the garden cried out; sobbing in waves of despair.

That night the wind banged the shed door harder and louder than ever before, the windows – those lucky enough to still hold remnants of their panes – released them, crying them to the ground while all about the garden the haunting wails of those preparing for death were heard. The rose understood that his roots would be ripped from the earth, severed from their damp dark home and cast aside to perish, along with those of his friends but he did not cry along with them. He turned inward to his dormant domain to avoid the imminent destruction of all he has ever known and loved, and with that he slipped from life.

A few days later, the woman returned in heavy boots and thick gloves with a dog at her heel. Only the trees – still awake and twitching their branches in silent dread – could see her movements as she started from the French doors of the house and stepped with apprehension into the wilderness of the garden, using her arms to part a way through and fight off the vicious brambles. The new woman pushed through with determination for some minutes then halted; surprised by the brick formation before her. Although weeds and grasses grew in and all around it the circular base was only just visible through erratic mossy gatherings. Stepping onto the base she parted back the greenery to find a perfectly round and lovingly crafted man-made flowerbed standing roughly 2 feet tall and, she guessed, 3 metre in diameter. How original, she thought. The stalks and blades were permitted to spring back as she released them and moved on. The dog, faithful at her side, pawed with caution before taking his steps.

Eventually the woman arrived at the very back of the right side of the garden. She entered a woodland area, so shrouded from light that only tiny speckles of sky were visible through the canopy orange leaved branches of the ancient trees. She crouched down, breathing in the woody dampness of her tranquil surrounding with her back against the great oak who    sighed gently at the long awaited touch of a human. The dog snuffled about the area, led by his moist black nose to two small grey slabs, off-balance and wonky in the earth. He barked and gained his owner’s attention, who rising to investigate, softened her expression. These must be the pet graves the agent was talking about, and the names are engraved, she thought. ‘Joe, and Babs’ she whispered to herself. The perky jack Russell shuffled about then positioned himself to a sit in front of the headstones, defiantly. The woman smiled, ‘Come on boy, let’s see what else we can find!’

The dog did not move until his owner had ventured along the perimeter, passed the sloped rockery guarded by the strange little stone man with yellow moss on his brow and come to a standstill at the reed-ridden pond. A vile smell caused by abundant algae and rotting wood of the tree-bridge, rose violently in her nostrils. She moved cautiously around the edge of the pond, parting greenery in preparation for each squelching step. She tracked the garden’s perimeter once again, pushing and heaving as she went. She arrived at the decaying playhouse complete with a little plastic table and chairs set of a faded red, then the shed. She peeped through the smashed window to find nothing but branches and foliage then as she made her way beyond it, treading down brambles and moving aside weeds taker than herself, her arm struck something solid as it motioned to part the foliage. Her gloved hands found the object and traced its shape up and over her head; then moving down she felt a cold chain that led to a wooden seat. She realised what it was: a child’s swing! She felt her way around the frame, moved to the other side of it and realised that she had fallen in love with the garden.

The great oak had watched her every move with a keen and suspicious eye. At first he had not understood the purpose of her visit for she was alone with no men to dig up the garden but once she had rested against his barked and aged trunk, and he had watched her hard irritated expression soften at the sight of the dogs resting place, he saw a tranquillity wash over her; a sad but light peacefulness that allowed her to begin to feel the spirit of the garden.
It was not long before the woman had reached the back of the garage; its walls, constructed by the rough hands of the gentlest man were beautifully snaked in ivy. She extended her gloved hand to the wall, sweeping it along, feeling each veiny extension stuck to its surface as if building up a protective layer to hold it fast and keep it from harm. She hummed a tune she did not know; low, and soft, drifting off into a daydream and then, silenced and grounded, she saw it.

Death’s Kiss

I hide in the shadows.

Watching.

Waiting.

I, in my ethereal form, am crouched and cramped; peeking over the floral duvet that bedraggles the bed. The house is empty. Her room: both her prison and hiding place, is the room she has chosen to die in; shrouded in an inky blackness – a comforting darkness – just as she likes it. The wall opposite the bed supports the defeated frame of the girl who, during these long hours, has shed a torrent of tears.

She does not know I see her folded there with the pink jingly-jangly elephant, faded and aged, sandwiched between her chest and thighs. She does not know that I hear the breath bursting in fits from her body as she sobs or that I know that she has remained in the same position for 6 hours. She thinks no one sees or hears her but I do. I see her pale drawn face and her blonde dishevelled hair revealing white knuckles that belong to hands that clench it in fistfuls.  Her mother and stepfather cannot see her. They currently dine on shellfish at a reputable restaurant, talking idly of their fraudulent lives but secretly wishing they were elsewhere. While many miles away, her brother sips a pint of ignorant bliss in the company of friends, far from the hell he calls home.

I want to grab her but I cannot. There are rules.
And those who break the rules pay the consequences. I have learned that lesson.

So I, uncontrollably mimicking her, am folded as she is and all I can do now is watch and wait. My watching provides no detachment. Watching means to live and breathe; though I have no life or breath inside of me. I am integrated into the secret agonies of the final moments of my charge; witnessing every erratic thought that spins through her haunted mind. I feel what she feels while, unknowingly, she manipulates my invisible form to mirror her actions.
It is she who has summoned me.

The flashbacks come.
I see the time she watches her mother leaving the driveway. At the window she stands, praying her mother will change her mind. Her muscles tense. Her throat tightens. Her eyes tingle with the sting of raw tears. She is clutching something fluffy and pink that I recognise: the thing that always absorbs her teardrops. She wants to bang on the window and scream for help. She hears footsteps and turns to seek out the source.
The man is there.

Perhaps I should steal her? I want to spare her from this painful review.
Oh, but I must wait!

A new memory comes. I see her sitting alone at a dining table. She hums along to a song that plays only in her head. She is told to shut up. She does as she is told and finishes her homework in silence.
She packs her books away and rises from the table, pushing her chair underneath. Wooden legs screech on ceramic tiles. The base of the milk bottle slams into the back of her head. Down she goes.
Darkness overpowers her vision
The man sips his tea.

She takes me to the summer she turned 7. She has been out riding her bike. She comes home to discover her mother is working an evening shift at the local pub, keeping her blind eye busy. The daddy long-legs are dancing clumsily yet menacingly across the garden path. She makes a run for it, through their lax formation, to the door. She enters; quiet as a mouse but I, and I alone, hear her prayers for invisibility.
The man waits.

Patience, I tell myself. Patience.

I see her asleep. Cosy in her bed. Skinny arms form a tight cage around her favourite thing: the pink jingly-jangly eared elephant she has had since she was 2 weeks old. His stitched-on, big, bright blue eye is eternally open, currently just centimetres from her face; looking at everything. Seeing nothing. The radio plays low. The room is covered wall to ceiling in posters of posing pop stars. So many faces. So many eyes. None that can see. She dreams of being a dancer while her mother dreams an unknowable dream just down the hall. A floorboard creaks.
She stirs as the stuffed toy is prised slowly out of its cage.
With a drowsy reluctance, she opens her eyes.
The man is there.
Together, we shift again, to another time and place.
She is racing through the house, through the kitchen, under the arch and left up the murky green stairs. Step after step, she inclines. Gasping; grappling for purchase on the bannister. I hear her heart thumping in her chest – faster than her footfalls – to the soundtrack of frantic jingling bells. A hand grabs at the swinging tail of the elephant but she yanks at the substantial portion of polyester already in her hold. I see the tail rip from its base as the main body is freed. A hungry hand finds her scrawny ankle and pulls her down to the bottom step then carries her up.
The man has her.

Next, in a bedroom with one whole wall covered in sliding, mirrored panels.
She is surveying the scene of a previous crime, looking for an elephant’s tail.
On her hands and knees she checks under the unmade bed and there, in the dusty space, hides a wooden box. I beg her not to open it but she cannot hear me. I remember that this is her memory and my begging now, just as it was then, is useless.
She retrieves the box, sits cross-legged on the flecked carpet and opens the lid.

I watch signs of confusion spread over her face as she takes in the contents.
Newspaper clippings, yellowed and folded neatly, guarded by her elephant’s bodiless tail. Frowning, she snatches it out. She was about to close the lid but curiosity seized her. Once open in her shaking hands her eyes flicker over the faded black print; skim, skim, skimming over the words

Draper. Aged 9.  Missing.

And underneath, a photograph. A pretty young murdered girl. Smiling widely with gaps in her teeth.

The slamming of a car door startles her away from the page. I see him walk briskly down the pathway towards the house. I beg and plead her to put the box back. She cannot hear me. I scream at her. I cannot help myself. The man is coming.

But instead of doing as I pointlessly insist she moves her gaze to a second page. I fill with dread as I see the man grope into the depths of his pocket to locate his keys.
She hears the key in the door. Moving fast she stuffs the papers back into their wooden enclosure and shoves it back under the bed. She grabs the tail and nimbly flees the room on tip-toes, trying to remember the emboldened words that will not make sense to her for years to come.
The man is home.

I rock back and forth, manically, as she does. I hold an invisible elephant and she holds the only comfort she has known for 14 years. I feel her weaken, her chest rise and fall, her heart slow to a beat that signals that soon it will end and all the while I hear her cries punctuated with shrill screams. Desperate, dying moans. Images flash and flicker. Voices tune in and out. Echoes from the depths of the past. So fast. Little snippets. Fragments of a life.
I almost resign to break the rules but then it’s too late. We are hurtling again, together, deeper into the crevices of her sub-conscious. Pillows. Scissors. White rope and teddy bears. I smell whisky, tobacco, engine grease and lemon cake; strong, sweet and putrid all at once. I hear Buddy Holly, the sound of chewing, and whispering in the dark.

We are thrust into an imageless void where only sounds can be heard. A cacophony rises up; louder and louder. I can hear them, all of them talking over each other but not to each other. We raise our hands to pound our palms into our ears, over and over, to make the noise stop. Our rocking becomes clumsy. Gradually, they drop out one by one by one until, only one chillingly morose voice remains; seeming to seep from in the darkness. In this shared space of memory where only she and I reside, it speaks: ‘You were the reason I married your mother.’

We scream out a terrified sound that comes from the deepest depths of our despair as pain shoots through our chests like fatal arrows shot into our hearts.

And then, silence.
Only silence.

An eerie stillness seizes the room. We are too weak, too sleepy, to react to the stabbing pain; dazed and drifting slowly apart.
She has released me.

She is nearly there. It will soon be over.
She moves only her eyes to the carpet beside her, to the brown bottle that lies empty and lid-less on its side. The back of her head is heavy against the wall barely supported by a limp, thin neck and a spine that is ready to flop. I see her fingers twitch to touch the matted fibres of the pink elephant with the jingly-jangly ear. Their tips move slightly as they stroke their farewell to a faithful friend.

I have lurked in these shadows many times – longed to take her – to free her from her hell but it was destined to be the man’s hand that took her life. That is what is etched in stone on the tablet of her fate. Yet, she beats him to it. She cheats the design and in doing so she prevents a duplication of the event in 1964. She will leave on her own tragic terms, not his.

For as long as she could recall she had yearned, fiercely, to climb out from her own skin. It has constantly itched and prickled at her from inside as if irritant nettle leaves and spikey thistles were growing in its layers. She knew what she must do before he did it. Tonight, empowered by the thought of freedom, she will leave him. She will leave all of them to become peaceful and mine.

She is ready.

I prepare to go to her when I see her arms drop limp to her sides, landing with a quiet thud, palms up. She blinks once, twice, and again. Her torso slides gently sideways, to the right, along the wall that has supported her for all this time. The elephant slides reluctantly from her lap to the floor with a sad and solitary jingle.
Her shoulder passes over the skirting board then meets the carpet. I see her head loll and come to rest, finally, softly, on the floor of her bedroom next to a familiar pink trunk.

Now it is time.

I dart across the room in one breezeless swoop to where she lay; serene and numbed.
I stand in her fading vision. She blinks slowly, heavily – just once; using the last drop of life left in her to focus on me. She can see me now. I know she belongs more to my world now than to hers.

I lean to her and hope that, if any dwindling consciousness remains with her, she will not fear me. ‘It is time’ I say as I place my mouth to her lips. I think the thought I am required to think and in only seconds my work is complete, my kiss has taken her last breath and ceased her failing heart.

Her wide eyes have fixed firm.  The beautiful blue of her irises are eclipsed by the blackened pools of her pupils and up from the beautiful yet ruined form, crumpled and defeated before me, rises a pure and perfect essence.

She gives me her weightless hand then glances back, not in sorrow at the empty human shell or in regret for the life she is leaving behind but in gratitude, at the tailless pink elephant with the jingly-jangly ear. She turns back to me then smiles a smile so almost divine.

I have given my kiss,
and now she is mine.

 

A Window of Opportunity

 

There is some magical freedom here. Some prospect of some wild thing lurking deliciously on the periphery. Amid the constant rainfall, the dancing candlelight, and the wind; slow droning air then. With no warning, a frenzy. Something burns in the peace of this moment. The curtain billows in response, and cool damp air forces itself under them to cover me. I can feel a subtle spritz where thin and delicate spray is carried in with it.

These past months have brought many a night like this and it amazes me every time how I love this lonely time of night. Although lonely, it is a comfort and is certainly not quiet. It seems like the weather and I are the only forces alive in the street. We are witness to each other; exposed and raw, and showing our hands. It is like we share a time and space, tapped into the moment. Despite the crisp coolness of my cotton sheets and the fact that the window has been open all day in mid-January, I am not cold. I am never cold on these nights but instead I am invigorated by a liveliness to the wild and private peace of the night.

And silence…

The rain stops for the first time in hours. The wind drops, and the curtains settle straight, back into line. I pray the calm is temporary. I pray that the flame will dance again, and that the hairs on my arms will rise to meet the night air once again. The steady drips falling from the gutter brings an unwelcome tedium. Its regularity in the quiet is disturbing; its predictability, stifling. The room feels heavy, and I feel suffocated in the small space of waiting for the next, and the next… a beat that signals that the storm is over, that everything outside will settle down in recovery, that that the wild but welcome moment is over. Eventually the beat will slow, the memory of the freedom of the previous chaos will fade away, and the loneliness creeps in.

But wait… it begins, again. I am pleased…

It returns to drown out the monotony of that boring drip. The wind builds, lashing rain falls in sheets, then twists; blown into disorder before recovering a steady direction, if only for a short time on the already soaked street. That whipping wind: its energy invading the room with such passion and disregard, billowing under the curtain to find my skin. The flame of the candle tries over and over to abide to its natural way; proud and straight, steady and upward but it cannot, the natural way of another thing will not allow it.

The liveliness of this time, on these stormy nights, when one should feel so utterly alone, when the rest of the street sleeps, and one should feel afraid of forces greater than oneself, of their unpredictability that forces a humbling perspective, a strange comfort. Closing the window is never an option on these nights. A freedom in the recognition of powerlessness comes with the reminding presence; a relieving sensation that there is a wildness to life forcing our fluctuations, refusing to allow us to exist being straight and steady. These times reveal the vigorousness behind the mundanity. The window must be open.

Futile Love

 

My love for you does not exist,

For it cannot be.

For it to be, must mean it must belong

To some time and place,

To some tangible somewhere, to some version of reality.

If I claim it as my own, it must belong only to me,

Which cannot be.

And after all, which reality would you have me confine it to?

To this reality? This world of sense and smallness?

You would have me beat it to reduction?

Or densify it into visibility? So you may use blind eyes upon it,

So you may name it ‘my love for you’, and call it sure and safe?

You would have me claim it as my own, and not ours?

I cannot do that, for my love for you does not exist.

It cannot be. It is not.

Yet its magnitude, could not, would not,

be held fast in the feeble confines of this world.

There would be no room for its weightless gravity;

No space durable enough to cradle its submissive anguish

to peace. Nor to Rock its calm into a frenzied, reckless rage.

I cannot trap it here. Nor coax it to reside here,

Within some brittle walls of vain construction,

Where no human hand could hard enough whip

Its roaring silence until its deathly silence screeches and

its mute screams reach the deaf ears of oblivion.

There is no mortal death that could snuff out its vibrancy.

In its deep death, it is too alive for this world.

In its tenacious vivacity, it holds too much lively death to live here,

And in the scorching light of its life, the dark is extinguished,

And there is nothing. It is nothing.

For the light and the dark of my love cannot live here.

There is no life force capable of sustaining it.

So great that it could not be.

So entirely everything, that it could only,

ever and always,

be nothing.

It is so beyond life in its non-living that it is death itself.

beyond perishable, so dead that it can never know life.

You would have me try to murder my love?

So you can mourn at its empty grave?

And rejoice for the life you imagine it lived?

For all the evers through which time has flown,

My love can never know, yet knows all, all too well.

The never of my love would be the most present absence

So suffocating in its absent presence, it would devour,

And in its non-existence, would swallow up always.

The always here could not force its longevity upon its never,

Nor could the never of here destroy its perpetual foreverness.

It’s always is no moment, not ever, not even at all.

For in its lacking brevity, never is all time,

all moments, and all.

My love for you could not move here, nor could it be still,

For it is the sluggish-slow drag of the noiseless crawl

And the echoing shriek of purity,

at the mercy of the plummeting fall.

This world could not prevent its motionless plunge

into the unreachable depths of a life-lit pit

filled with the fluid of bleached black stone,

where depraved restraints hold virtuous freedom.

And you would have me blot out its innocence?

Strip it of its murky light?

And rape it of its radiant corruption?

So that it may lay it at your feet, life and deathless,

So you may fixed it there, and call it stable and purged?

It is a void filled vacancy; the most absent of presence,

So vast in its everything, that it could only be nothing,

And so singular, that it is everything and all;

All at once, everything and all, yet nothing at all.

Yet you, you would have me reduce everything?

And make something out of nothing?

You would have me house my love here,

In the illusory ramparts of this reality?

It cannot be, for it does not exist.

It cannot live here.